Happy Thanksgiving Mom

Today for the first time in years my Mom is cooking Thanksgiving Dinner.  Over the years as her health has deteriorated I have taken over in that area.  I only took over because I thought it was just to much work for her.  It hurt her feelings at first, like we didn’t think her food was good anymore.  I only wished I could make things the way she did, nobody makes it better than Mom. 

So yesterday Caiden and I went over to help with the prep work so that she wouldn’t have a lot to do today.  Caiden goofed off with Grandpa while I chopped up the celery and onions, Mom cut up the potatoes and we through the fruit salad together.  She had already made 8 pumpkin pies this week because she likes to send them home with us.  I actually brought mine home last night and had a slice for breakfast.  Yum!  Today all she has to do is throw the stuffing together and cook the turkey in the roasting oven like she has always done.  Then when we get there this afternoon we can cook the potatoes (sweet and mashed), steam the broccoli and make the gravy.  Nothing fancy or even near what she used to do but it’s going to be so good.

I was just afraid that she would be so stressed out and probably in tears by the time we all got there if she did it all herself.  It’s really hard for her to stay focused anymore, to remember things, like words, how to do things, etc. Of course, even though I tell myself not to, while I was there yesterday, I got angry and stressed and said things I shouldn’t have.  My Dad sang jingle bells at the top of his lungs in the back ground to try to cause a distraction. 

I was so mad at my self when I left.  I have been going over and over it to try and figure out the reason why I have so much anger towards her.  I remembered my Mom getting angry with her Dad when he got old and came to live with them after my Granny had passed away, I never could understand it.  But now I think I get it, I’m not angry with her nor was she with her Dad.  I’m angry with what has happened to her, she is not my Mom that much anymore and I miss her.  I miss the way she was always fixing up the house, or the great meals she would make, or the days when we would go shopping for hours on end, just laughing and having fun.  I miss the days when she was happy and even though she was still a worrier, not every other word that came out of her mouth was about fear or sadness.

But yesterday was a real eye opener for me, not only did I figure myself out, but I realized how bad she is really getting.  At one point yesterday she was telling Caiden a story about her family and she couldn’t remember my sister Trudy’s name.  Trudy would have been Caiden’s Granny had she not taken her own life when his Dad was so young.  It didn’t even hit me that I had to say “Trudy” when she was telling the story until I got home and said it out loud to my husband.  Or when I said that we needed to get the giblets out of the turkey that she for a slight moment had a puzzled look on her face and actually said what are giblets,  and then when she remembered, what end are they in.  

So this morning when I woke up I had a entirely new outlook on things.  I realized that I’m not mad at my Mom, I am mad at the way things are.  I realized that I am thankful that she is still here and that I just need to appreciate her no matter what shape she is in now and remember all of the good of yesterdays gone by.  I love my Mom, and now more than ever I need to let her know it.

Happy Thanksgiving Mom!  Thank you for always being there for me even when I was an ass to you.  I love you.