My Mom with Alzheimer's

Today was an especially hard day with my Mom, because I realized that she is slipping away more and more each day.  She has become obsessed with the hems and zippers on her robe and blanket, she will fuss and look at them all day.  She has a need to fold napkins and tissues, to keep everything in order.  When I look over I see her hands, the hands of my Mom, and it seems normal, but when I look at her face I know she has know idea what or why she is doing this.  It breaks my heart.  But the one thing is for sure, she is my Mom and even in her state of mind, if I break down crying she automatically comforts me and is my Mom again, and sadly that feels really good. 

This Sunday is Mother’s Day, my husband and I plan to make it the most special Mother’s Day we have ever given her.  Really, I don’t know if its for her or for us.  All I know is that this is a really sad ending to the life of such a special lady, she did not deserve this at all.

I love you Mom, Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Thanksgiving Mom

Today for the first time in years my Mom is cooking Thanksgiving Dinner.  Over the years as her health has deteriorated I have taken over in that area.  I only took over because I thought it was just to much work for her.  It hurt her feelings at first, like we didn’t think her food was good anymore.  I only wished I could make things the way she did, nobody makes it better than Mom. 

So yesterday Caiden and I went over to help with the prep work so that she wouldn’t have a lot to do today.  Caiden goofed off with Grandpa while I chopped up the celery and onions, Mom cut up the potatoes and we through the fruit salad together.  She had already made 8 pumpkin pies this week because she likes to send them home with us.  I actually brought mine home last night and had a slice for breakfast.  Yum!  Today all she has to do is throw the stuffing together and cook the turkey in the roasting oven like she has always done.  Then when we get there this afternoon we can cook the potatoes (sweet and mashed), steam the broccoli and make the gravy.  Nothing fancy or even near what she used to do but it’s going to be so good.

I was just afraid that she would be so stressed out and probably in tears by the time we all got there if she did it all herself.  It’s really hard for her to stay focused anymore, to remember things, like words, how to do things, etc. Of course, even though I tell myself not to, while I was there yesterday, I got angry and stressed and said things I shouldn’t have.  My Dad sang jingle bells at the top of his lungs in the back ground to try to cause a distraction. 

I was so mad at my self when I left.  I have been going over and over it to try and figure out the reason why I have so much anger towards her.  I remembered my Mom getting angry with her Dad when he got old and came to live with them after my Granny had passed away, I never could understand it.  But now I think I get it, I’m not angry with her nor was she with her Dad.  I’m angry with what has happened to her, she is not my Mom that much anymore and I miss her.  I miss the way she was always fixing up the house, or the great meals she would make, or the days when we would go shopping for hours on end, just laughing and having fun.  I miss the days when she was happy and even though she was still a worrier, not every other word that came out of her mouth was about fear or sadness.

But yesterday was a real eye opener for me, not only did I figure myself out, but I realized how bad she is really getting.  At one point yesterday she was telling Caiden a story about her family and she couldn’t remember my sister Trudy’s name.  Trudy would have been Caiden’s Granny had she not taken her own life when his Dad was so young.  It didn’t even hit me that I had to say “Trudy” when she was telling the story until I got home and said it out loud to my husband.  Or when I said that we needed to get the giblets out of the turkey that she for a slight moment had a puzzled look on her face and actually said what are giblets,  and then when she remembered, what end are they in.  

So this morning when I woke up I had a entirely new outlook on things.  I realized that I’m not mad at my Mom, I am mad at the way things are.  I realized that I am thankful that she is still here and that I just need to appreciate her no matter what shape she is in now and remember all of the good of yesterdays gone by.  I love my Mom, and now more than ever I need to let her know it.

Happy Thanksgiving Mom!  Thank you for always being there for me even when I was an ass to you.  I love you.

Hard To Watch

Our parents teach us everything.  How to walk, talk, eat and love.  They devote their entire lives to making a good life for us.  They are our go to people when ever we need someone to go to. 

My Mom has taught me everything from cooking, sewing, cleaning.  She was my inspiration to become a decorator, she was always moving the furniture around, or recovering a chair or foot stool, painting a room.  She was the CFO of our family and could make a dollar stretch farther than you could imagine.  The unconditional love she has for her three daughters, her grandson and great grandson is amazing.  She also has a big love for animals, as long as I can remember we have always had dogs, cats and what ever else we could talk her into.  And of course if you needed comforting, she is the best on the planet.

My Dad has always been and always will be my hero.  A cool guy, kind of tough, but really a big softy.  He taught me everything from working on cars, how to shoot a gun, to how to fix anything.  He always said he was a jack of all trades, master of none.  But he could fix anything!  He would do anything for his three girls.  Once on the fourth of July, I remember him taking us up on the roof so that we could watch the fire works show over Las Vegas.  Back then our roofs were covered in rocks, so he hauled up a mattress so that we could all sit there and watch the show.  He gave me my love of music, all kinds, he loves it all.  On Sunday mornings while he would cook us an omelette he would play LP records on the stereo, dancing and singing with a spatula in his hand.  Both of them have taught us you can do it yourself.

Over the years, like most families, we had are ups and downs, but they always hung in there, giving us hope and strength.  The toughest tragedy for them was the death of my sister Trudy, she took her own life, I don’t think to this day they have ever stopped blaming themselves. 

Now due to illness and aging I am watching them slip away daily.  It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I always knew they would grow old one day, but what I didn’t realize is how hard it would be.
Over the past 5 years I have watched my Mom deteriorate both mentally and physically.  She was diagnoised with breast cancer in January 2008 and has beat it.  She has a hard time comprehending and remembering but does pretty good.  My dad suffered a stoke a couple of years ago and he actually came through it pretty good, his eye sight was impaired along his short term memory. 

Both of them take many medications and have a lot of doctor appointments, of which it is hard for either one of them to understand what the doctors are telling them.  We always make a fun day of it by going to lunch or for a drive. 

I love them both so very, very much and even though I am so grateful that they are still here, it’s so hard to watch them change.  I really miss them, the way they were.

Mom, Linda & Dad on his 75th Birthday September 2007

Dad, Mom, Laren, Cole August 2009

TIP:  Keep a typed list of all medications, with dosages on the refrigerator.  When my father had his stroke the paramedics had to write down all of his medications.  However, they did not write down the dosages so it was of no use to the doctor.